Cardiawesome
by Startix-Master of the NoLess
Summary: Link is definitely one to talk to about matters of the heart. Specifically physical ones.


Wow, I've been back in Florida for what, a little over two weeks now and my lazy ass is finally back to the keyboard. This was the only story I could come up with, as an assload of my time was spent playing videogames and watching The Dating Guy (epic, EPIC show). But enough about me. You're here for the story~

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><p><strong>Disclaimer<strong>

Zelda is NOT mine! Geez!

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><p>"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You're telling me...you can't die?"<p>

Link rolled his coal-black eyes and sighed. He wished Sho had kept his mouth shut about his little 'talent'. But the mage was an absolute SUCKER for weepy females, and when Midna had turned on the waterworks (or at least pretended to), it was only a matter of seconds.

"I'm not immortal, Midna." said the swordsman, returning to his game, gripping the Wiimote and Nunchuk tightly. Just a few more moments and Bad Girl would fall...

"So..." inquired the Twili girl from Vaati's lap, on Link and Sho's couch. "How exactly does it work?"

Link huffed and tried to focus; he did NOT want to have to fight his way through Santa Destroy Stadium again...not after the Dr. Peace thing. "It's like...immunity, I guess."

"Immunity?" spoke the imp, hanging over the edge of Vaati's legs. "Really?"

"Midna, please!" snapped Link, whirling around and completely forgetting he was in the middle of a game. "I am _trying _to do something here!"

The sound of Bad Girl's cackling reached his ears and he whipped back around to look at the screen. "Fuck."

In his irritation, he had accidentally swung at the sweet Lolita while she was doing her fake crying pose. He now had to stomach through the sight of the 2nd rank sweeping out Travis Touchdown's legs from under him and proceed to bludgeon him to death with her bat.

"Awww, too bad." snickered Midna, making the blonde growl in fury as the game over screen appeared. "Well, since you're free, care to tell me how you can't die?"

Throwing the Wiimote and Nunchuk into the corner so hard the batteries burst from the back, Link turned to glower at the redhead. "You wanna know how I can die, huh?"

"Yes, please."

"Alright, wait right here."

"Link, don't."

Three pairs of eyes turned to see Zelda, who had been content to silently watch Link cut people's heads off in a very animated fashion from the dorm room floor, giving her boyfriend a somewhat pleading look.

"She wants to know." chuckled Link, who gave Midna a look that actually sent chills down the fearless girl's spine. "I'll show her."

"Sho JUST mopped the floor."

Link waved his hand dismissively as he sauntered off into the kitchen. "He's magic, he'll fix it in no time." The youth returned shortly, a kitchen knife with a large, serrated blade about half as big as the Master Sword in hand. "It's the only one that does this whole thing justice." he smirked, noticing Midna's confused gaze. "Watch."

Zelda sighed and crossed her arms, casting a small bluebell barrier over herself. "It took me days to clean my dress the last time you did this..."

Winking back at the princess, he raised the knife high, in both hands...

...and plunged it directly into the left side of his chest.

Midna rasped out a strangled, gargling, choking sound, her golden eyes going wide as Link tore into his chest cavity with the vigor of a rabid Bokoblin. Vaati said nothing, for he had personally seen this display before and chuckled at the memory. Link was too funny sometimes.

Blood gushed from the swordsman, splattering the floor, the TV, the Wii and even Midna. It also splattered onto the shield Zelda generated, but the princess merely rolled her eyes and kept the barrier raised.

Midna's face turned a pale shade of green as her friend's blood painted the room until it looked like some morbid cross between the Manson house and a Jackson Pollock painting.

Finally, after a few minutes, Link finished, reaching into his chest and, with great effort, ripped his heart from inside, the tendons and flesh making slick, snapping sounds as he pulled it out. The organ pulsated still, dripping blood, cartilage and sinew onto the floor into a horrific soup.

The Twili girl stared, her jaw practically hitting the floor but at a total loss for words. Smiling, Link gestured to the large, gaping hole in his chest that anyone could easily look through, bone, blood and flesh torn to shreds from the knife. Slowly, then picking up in speed, the hole began to close, bones regrowing, flesh piecing back together, and a new heart began to take the old one's place, bearing rhythmically, until the whole thing sealed shut, good as new.

"That's how."

Link, holding onto his still-beating heart (which continued to fuck up the floor), walked over to the aghast Midna and pulled her hands forward, placing the oozing heart in them, coating a great deal of her in blood. Her eyes were stilled glazed over in total shock, not even caring that blood was dousing her brand new skirt.

"You can have that."

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><p>Read, review, retch, whatevs~<p> 


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